what next?

the exam has finally end. a sigh of relief and relieve! but then i'm worried about my results. anyway, the exam is over, and i've already spent a few days accompanying my friend here. so i'll be back home for the holidays soon, very soon. so this will be my last post before i go back, and i'll be absent from blogging for quite a while because i don't have broadband at home. anyway there are a few issues which i wanna comment about before i go home.

i feel that the amount of effort put into studies is not really enough. damn! i say this every semester but i can't seem to get hold of myself and really go through that tortourous time studying :p i hope i'll put more time into studies this coming semester (i say that every semester too :p ) i think things will be fine if i study constantly... there won't be so much pressure and tension at the end...

about the exams, i really am irritated by some of the people who skip it just because they feel that they aren't prepared. i mean if the university allows us to take the exam at whenever time we want, then what's the point having and exam? i'm pissed of not because they skipped it, but the way they are treating the exam is like a "hey, i will take the exam whenever they want" thing. i'm not really sure what they have in mind, but i hope they really buy their mc. otherwise, i don't know what will happen to them.

on a lighter note, i've been accompanying this friend of mine for the first few days of holidays. no no i'm no gay (but i don't mind being one :p ) it's fun to just sit here and laze around, let time past, and the best part is i don't have to go through any emotions or things like that. i'm just enjoying every moment of my holidays. one thing i found out though... am i doing the right thing? every person has their own thinking, and i'm not sure whether i'm doing the right thing by accompanying him. maybe he likes privacy, maybe he likes people around, maybe he loves to be alone, maybe he has some other plans in store? i dunno. anyway, i'm not too worried bout this coz i'll be going back later! :)

to all those out there, once again, happy holidays if you are having one. enjoy it to the fullest! and if the holidays aren't really enjoyable, don't worry. mmu has a two months break at the end of next semester!!! and to those who have already started their new semester, please be jealous of us yea! we are on holidays!!!!! :)

absence of bloggers...

i guess the exam heat is too hard for everyone to bear... every blogger which i know has stopped blogging... maybe everyone stopped blogging for this week... hope to hear more bout people out there this weekend! :)

exhausted

finals is a few days away. that's why i haven't been blogging so often. i'm tired... not because of studying, but tired of forcing myself to study. it's hard when i feel i haven't put enough effort. it's hard when i feel i am not living up to my own expectations. it's hard when i get this uneasiness of exams...

on a lighter note, i've kept in touch with a long long friend of mine, vee. i just heard from her last night and it was really something i appreciate alot! it's like finding something i've lost a long long long time ago (she's been absent from my life for quite a while ady)

and for now, i don't really know what to do... study a bit? let's just see how far i can go...

uneasy...

i am feeling quite a bit irritated after going through some webpages. it shown me how much people have changed throughout the years. it shown me how much people progress. it shown me how much people appreciate each other.

the only reason which makes me uneasy is, of course, comparison. when i go through those pages, i've been comparing. comparing myself, my life, with theirs, with what their friends say about them, with what they say about their friends. there will be no end to comparing, i know that. but i just can't help but compare.

everyone i know (knew is more accurate here) do not fit the image i had about them before. it's like they have progressed so much, they have changed so much. i think their dreams and hopes are slowly taking shape. everyone have so much to say about their friends. and everyone have so much to share about their friends. and what they say is really, seriously, totally different from what i have in mind. they are all being who they want, doing what they want, being where they want and taking the route they want, i guess.

so everyone i knew is totally a different person now. they've made so much progress during these few years. so many things are different. i really don't know how to communicate with them anymore. i'm like just being stagnant, being me, all the time, no progress, no nothing, just me. it's like i'm leaving myself behind. i once said that i won't care if everyone around me leave me behind, the most important thing is i go on myself, i take my own route. but now, it's like i'm leaving myself behind!

i haven't make any progress in my social skills. i haven't make any progress in my life, and i've became more and more forgetfull. i almost forgot my secondary school life. i almost forgot my friends back there. and i've totally forgot how primary school was. total blank. there are only vague, precious memory left about my past. i don't know why.

maybe it's not such a big deal. but i'm feeling kind of uneasy with all these. maybe i should stay out from those webpages. maybe it'll help me forget how badly i've left myself behind.

lost

i have had a lot of things before in my life, and i've lost most of it all. keep reminding myself to appreciate the chance i have, to do what i want when the opportunity comes, but that never happened before...

fond memories

a while ago, one of my closest friend, my, was online and asked me what will i write... seriously i don't know what to write... but fond memories came rushing back. i had the feeling that i was lingering around her house, chatting until way too late at night and i had to make up 'smart' excuses for my parents when i got home :p

it was really fun back then. even though i feel uneasy, guilty at first, in the end i guess things have gone the best possible the situation allowed :) too many things shared, too many gossips whispered, too many sarcasm exchanged, and not forgetting too many mosquitoes fed! :p and i really enjoyed it. it was like somewhere i can run freely (but sometimes i worry i might meet someone i feel guilty towards). it was (and still is) somewhere i can talk without worrying i might hurt people, coz i really don't know what to say to hurt this fella. one hell of a kind i'd say.

most of the time i'd just smile, laugh, listen to everything. i seldom do the talking, but i comment once in a while. the only thing i guess i'm more updated was about harry potter :p that was our interest back then, or at least mine :p but then i was always stopped when i wanna comment more on the latest book. not because she isn't interested, but because she was kinda lagging behind (due to the price of that damned book). but it was nice. to see emotions running freely...

but there was once i got this message that she was sad, wanted to talk, but i wasn't around town at that time. and up till today i still feel guilty. someone was counting on me, yet i couldn't make it. disappointed, eh? well, i share the same disappointment too, if not more.

yea... the fond and precious part was letting my emotions run freely. yea... people might not notice it, but small little things, small little details, lighten my day (or night :p ). my sincere gratitude to you. i guess you know why i'm thanking you. thanks loads.

group outings again?

it was raining the last time i went out for dinner with my housemates and ex-housemates. i didn't really see the rain as a problem. the only problem i see was group outings, again. yea, i have to bear with all sorts of people.

i thought the dinner was fine, but i was wrong. soon after that, i heard that the bitch who shouted at me for no reason was totally pissed off about that dinner. it came to my notice that she was very unhappy about that dinner. because of the rain, that place was seriously cramped up. so we had to look, and i mean look hard, for a place to fit 15 people. but i was fine with it. hey, we have to look for a table whenever we go out right? so what's wrong with putting extra effort and look for a 15 seats place? and so we found a place, but apparently she didn't like that table because it was kinda damp. i don't know about her, but i was fine with it. it was the best we could find for 15 people! and so she was pissed off, etc etc, complaining to her housemates, etc etc.

well my point is, if she doesn't like to go there, why didn't she suggest a better place? why did she still go there? it was just a suggestion that we go there, and if she think she can find a better place, why didn't she say so? and unhappy about looking for seats? what the hell is she unhappy for? do we not need to find for seats everywhere else? even if we go to a luxurious restaurant we still need to look for a table that fits 15 people, so what's wrong with that? and what's with the complains AFTER the dinner? if she said something DURING the dinner then maybe we would have moved on to another place. and what's with the annoyed face? do we have to see THAT kind of face when we eat?

so that's another plus for not liking group outings. maybe i'd enjoy the company of 4 or 5 people, but not 15. and certainly she is not in the list for that 4 or 5 people. if you are so fussy, and you get pissed off because of what the majority do, i'm sorry, you are annoying me.

is it the weather or what?

i don't know what happened to everyone during the week. maybe the weather is affecting everyone, which includes me. the sudden change of weather is not good for me i guess. nothing much to update coz i've been living with the flow for the last week. i didn't do anything special. no emotions involved. maybe i'm getting used to not chatting with her. maybe i'm getting used to leave things the way they are.

the only thing which happened the last week was my trip up to genting. it was only my second trip up there. but second doesn't really mean second. my first time there was way too long ago to remember. so i consider this the first time i've been there :) no, i'm not going to post about my adventures there. neither am i going to talk about those hot chicks. no, none of those. the trip up there made me realize something, there are lots of people around me, and if i am lonely, if i feel lonely, i should just open up, make some friends, get along, and no more loneliness. the warmth in genting is really shocking to me. so many people there... so many activities... so many happy faces. but i guess i choose to be this way. i choose not to open up. i guess that's what i want for now.

besides that, there weren't anymore emotions rush, adrenaline rush for me throughout the week. just going with the flow, nothing else.

group outing

i don't like a group outing at all. i hate to wait everyone to be prepared to go out. i hate everyone to ask everyone else about our destination. i hate anyone who disagree with a suggestion but cannot come up with another better idea where to go. i hate the girls who are always so slow. i hate to sit in the car of people i am not fond of. i hate group outings.

people always react as if i've done something wrong by going out alone. i don't know why. i just enjoy being out alone. i don't have to care about where to go, what to eat, who to go with. it's just me, my decision, and me alone. i don't have to care about making the wrong choice because nobody else will complain. i don't need to get complaints for going to the wrong place or spending too much on something. it's just me. i do what i want. i go where i want, eat what i want, buy what i want. i just enjoy going out alone. i don't have to care what time to go back, i don't have to care how i go back. there are less constraints going out alone!

and i really don't understand why people seem to think that going out alone is a bad thing? is it really that bad? and what makes it look bad? it seem to be normal to me. am i weird or what? one thing i'd dare say, those who say going out alone is a bad thing, i can assure you that you are all wrong.